“He’s Gonna be Huge”: Why the Next Big DJ is Currently a Fetus
A major talent discovery has been made in Delft, Netherlands that has electronic dance music fans across the globe buzzing in anticipation of his birth.
Efforts to unearth new talent have reached new levels of dedication recently, as a star DJ has been discovered prior to his birth. The foremost experts in EDM talent scouting agree that the unborn Jacob van der Westhuizen will undoubtedly be the next big thing in electronic dance music. Despite his mother’s insistence that “this is utter nonsense,” A&R executives continue to flood into her small apartment in Delft, Netherlands for chance to sign the partially developed fetus. The family’s maternity doctor has reported that the fetus’s heart rate has stabilized at 128 BPM in the seventh month of pregnancy, leading to increased speculation regarding the musical abilities of the minus-two-month-old DJ.
“I knew about him in the first trimester,” crowed Brooklyn resident James Winthrop, as he adjusted the burgundy scarf around his neck. “To be honest, Jacob is becoming pretty mainstream now.”
“Yes, I do listen to Afrojack quite a lot,” said Emma van der Westhuizen, 28. “People have told me that the music I listen to has influenced my son, but I think it would be best if you all would leave us alone for a while. I am not planning on handing him a bottle of Ace of Spades champagne to spray the moment he is born, as some of you have suggested.”
Debate has broken out regarding the style of music that the fetus will favor, as well as his chosen DJ name. Loyal fan clubs have emerged in Brooklyn, Rotterdam, NL, and Portland, OR to support Jacob, with over 5,000 fans already setting aside money to preorder his debut LP. At the time of press, a movement has begun to force his mother into premature birth in order to provide fans with the music they crave sooner.
“I think Emma is being very selfish,” said EDM fan Brittany Gonzalez, “She’s hogging Jacob all to herself. A forced labor is the only fair thing to do at this point. It’s for the greater good.”
The above content has been fabricated for satirical purposes and should in no way be construed as an actual record of events. Other than public figures, all names used are fictional and any resemblance to actual persons is unintentional and coincidental.